Whips

Something is wrong when you wake up with a hungover as a consequence of the embrace of a lonely night in your porch.

Something is wrong when you have breakfast in the same bowl over and over again even if it does not belong to the one you thought.

Something is wrong when you sit alone in a dark theater on a Saturday morning surrounded by parents and children to enjoy the adventures of one of the heroes of your childhood.

Something is wrong when the hero says: "There were a few, but they all had the same problem... They weren't you." And you look at the empty sit on your left.

Something is wrong when you go back to the future and wonder.

Is there something wrong? It is not, and that is why you draw a smile as you ride away from the theater under the raising sun.

(9)(12)(21) and halves

I woke up in the nude in the middle of the night. My body was covered in sweat. He was there, my other half, naked, sat in the white leather armchair, staring at me. We both knew what was going to happen. We walked together to the bridge. We did not say anything. My feet were hurting, bleeding by the time we got there. I looked at him. He looked at me. I dived into him. He dived into me. I cried. He cried. We both knew what was going to happen. I promised him not to look back once he was gone. I held his hand as he was standing on the railing in front of the most beautiful of the dawns. The last one. A linen cloth in which blues, reds, oranges, yellows and purples fortuitously sprinkled an exhausted igneous Sun. The bay was uncomfortably calm. The distant siren of a fishing boat. I hesitantly let his hand go. We enjoyed an everlasting white silence before. We drowned in a sea of bittersweet doubts before.

He jumped. I closed my eyes and walked away.

As I was getting away my stomach melted and I climbed up the railing and I saw him drowning and my heart took over my self and I jumped and I opened my eyes and I cried and I felt the impact with the water as if ninety one thousand two hundred and twelve pins were piercing my body at once and i swam towards him and I grab him and I swam and I swam and I swam and I cried and I swam and I made it to the shore.

I was exhausted. He was unconscious.

"Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he softly mumbled as he opened his eyes.

"I couldn't let you go."

"Yes... you did. Yes... you did."

And only then we were one again and I was talking to myself. (❦)

Magnetics Fields

He walked her to her car after an everlasting evening that none of them wanted to end. He kissed her goodbye. She got in the car and started it. She could not leave. The window was open. He kissed her goodbye. He knelt down. He kissed her goodbye. Both knew that had to stop. She needed it to stop. He understood but was not ready to let it happen. Neither she was. She stepped out of the car. They sat on the curb. They smoked a clove cigarette. He kissed her goodbye. They stood up. He kissed her goodbye. She got in the car again and raised the window. He asked her to lower it. He kissed her goodbye. He walked backwards while staring at the beautiful image of her fading. He stumbled. He kissed her goodbye. She started the car and left the parking spot in reverse. He kissed her goodbye. She drove away. He started walking to his bike. She stopped at a stop sign and did not start again. He walked towards her. He kissed her goodbye. She turned right. He run after her. He kissed her goodbye. He started walking away. She drove but the light was red. He turned one more time and saw her stopped. He run towards her and got in the car. He kissed her goodbye. He asked her for a ride to his bike one block away. He kissed, embraced, caressed her goodbye.

She kissed, embraced, caressed him goodbye.

They still crossed their paths one more time a few seconds later. She was driving. He was riding. They did not stop but they could feel the pull.

"What was that?" He repeatedly mumbled once home. The night was gorgeous and calm. At his porch, sitting on the old creaking swing that kept missing her, under the Christmas lights, he thought he had never been as certain about something as uncertain.

nows

- how do you know?

- i do, as i know the sun will shine tomorrow

- but how do you know it won't change?

- i do, it will shine, even if the clouds don't allow us to enjoy its caresses

- i can see that's how you feel now, but i'm not so sure about tomorrow

- i used to feel that same way

- so?

- not anymore

- why?

- it's just a part of me now, as it is your chin

- don't be silly

- that's another thing i'll always be

Wounds

And thus my knee was broken.

It hurt. I could not remember anything as painful. I could not imagine anything as painful. I cried. It was not only the pain. It was the uncertainty. The uncertainty, above all. I knew right away it was not just another injury. I was certain.

The surgery went well, they told me. It is a matter of time. I was on a hard cast for a few everlasting months. It was tedious, boring. My friends kept stealing smiles from me. My pillow was wet every morning. I could not handle the impotence of not being able to move by myself. Lack of freedom. Stones.

Physical therapy came later. Having to learn again. Frustration and hope. One fall after the other. Stand up and try again. One more time. All of a sudden, the glass is not half empty anymore. All of a sudden, the glass is half full. Of a dark purple full bodied wine that opens with an aromatic menthol like bouquet with faint hints of cherry, and feels very smooth as it enters the mouth and quickly dries out the palate. Savory.

Once everything was over, it was still not. I missed the one I were. I was still afraid and it still hurt. It takes time and strength to let oneself be vulnerable again. I did not want to push myself to the limit. The fear was always there and I did not want it to happen again. Not again.

And then, suddenly, it is as gone as it is not, as it is always with you. And I remember it with a smile every single time I look down and see the stitches on my knee. I know that was for real. It is. I know it will never go away. Some wounds are forever. Just like the notch you leave in my heart. Just like the one I leave in yours. Magnetic fields and uncertain paths. And by the end of the day, the wondering, and the puzzle pieces. The damn puzzle pieces that are nothing without each other...

what if

what if the white is black?
and the black is white?
what if there is no gray for us?

what if our eyes give away
the smile we try to hide?
what if we fight back?

what if we listen to the everlasting silence?
what if it is so loud
that we can see it?

what if we drown in the smoke from the burning cloves?
what if a fractal is caressing us?
what if we flow?

what if feeing led us somewhere only we know?
what if we are already there
waiting for each other?

what if we cannot hide?
what if we are afraid of the shine?
afraid of the dark?

what if i walk away?
would that help?
what if the fog wolfs me down?

what if we are late?
what if you are happy now?
what if we never left?

what if it is now?
not then?
what if the feathers lightly touch our skin?

what if we are meant to be?
what if enough is not enough?
what if it is love?

what if?
i do not know
and so i close my eyes
and there is only one
one if (❦)

actually

사랑해요

enough!

and she drove back home,
and he rode back home,
some goodbyes are meant to last,
some goodbyes are meant to be a part of us,
they would see each other again,
but the full moon would never shine like tonight...
tonight it burns,
more than the sun.

ilu

보고 싶어요

Naked, in front of the mirror, he feels naked for the first time.

Yesterday he willingly undressed his self in front of her, beautiful her, without agenda, with hope. His heart did the talking. No more manufactured words. He felt like a cliff diver falling free. And then, then the fresh water. The fresh water and the sparkling liberation.

His reflection in the mirror. He is selfish but generous, restless but calm, egotistic but modest. Only then he understands happiness is not the opposite of sadness. Now he is aware of his love for her the way he is the sun will shine tomorrow. Even if it only does it above the clouds.

He closes his eyes and finds a way back (❦) to somewhere only they know (❦), a place he should have never left.

And thus he waits.

The Cell Phone

- I can't. I want to. But there's something still missing...

He grabbed her hand and walked her to her car and drove her to a cell phone store nearby.

- I want a cell phone that can only get and make calls to her number.

The shop assistant handed a cellphone to him. He dialed her number while looking for the shine on her eyes. There it was, only to go away. She run away.

Alone, he felt empty. He was just skin, creasing skin falling slowly. He let go the cell phone. Silent tears.

Ring tone. Pause.

Before hitting the floor he caught it.

- It's me. I had my cell phone in the car.

The rainbow before waking up to an annoying alarm clock.