no aguanto tus manos,
no aguanto tus ojos,
no aguanto tu sonrisa,
no aguanto tu presencia,
no aguanto que te escondas,
que ahora estés,
que ahora no,
no aguanto tus runrunes,
no aguanto tus abrazos,
no aguanto tus promesas,
no aguanto tus parasiempres,
no aguanto que me hagas esperar,
no aguanto que me mires,
no aguanto que me digas que me quieres,
no aguanto que me digas que no,
no te aguanto,
y no me aguanto sin ti.
no aguanto tus manos,
you space out
you get in the water
you wait for the deafening siren
what will i be thinking about for over six hours?
you start swimming
you swim under the scorching sun
you keep swimming
your shoulder hurts
your head hurts
your eyes hurt
you keep swimming
you try to remember
what was i thinking about over six hours?
it is easy to lie to myself, to live a different life in my mind. it is easier when i am surrounded by blues, unattached from my so called life. there you are, waiting for me at the finish line, your eyes smile, so do you. you are anxious, you are worried, you are excited, so am i. but when i step out of the water, my smile is the only one i can see, and i am happy, and so you are. the sky is bluer today, and the clouds smile back at us. even when we are this apart.
I cut open a cuddly teddy bear with a sharp scalpel and substitute the light stuffing by tiny lead balls you can get at any ironmonger's. I sew it back with care, a needle, a thimble, and thread. All I need to do now is get ready for bed and lay down upwards in a bed with the once light, now heavy cuddly teddy bear on top of my chest. It is not your weight I feel anymore, but it works as soon as I switch off the lights and close my eyes. Sweet dreams...
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"There's something I have to tell you."
"You are married, aren't you?" Smiling. "Just kidding!"
"Well," he looked down before looking up again. "I am."
"It's not what it seems."
"You better have a good explanation for this one!"
"I am married to another man."
"Are you gay? Who is this man?"
"No. I needed to stay here so I got married to him two years ago to get a green card. He's my friend."
"This is just ridiculous!"
"Well, will you get a divorce, now?"
"What do you mean you can't?"
"He's been in a coma for the past year. He was in a car accident..."
"I think I'll have a whisky," sight and brief sedative laugh. "And this won't end here... I am really mad at you right now!"
I open my eyes after a long night of sleep remembering when I was not able to dive into Morpheo's realm. Sleepless nights with her but without her. She is no longer here. She never really was. I probably should stop letting them in at night, the flying pink elephants. There are always collateral damages. Always. Black sheets, red pillowcases. I am naked and in need of a shower. She used to complain about my sticky skin every morning. I used to brag about my soft skin every night.
I like cold showers. I like the feeling of being under the water. High pressure. The echo of yesterday words fades. It is not just you and me anymore. As it was yesterday. As it will be tonight. Daylight slaps me in the face and I cannot longer pretend there is nothing else. The same words that make me hope, now hurt. You are in your island. I am on mine. No matter how much I swim against the tide. Smoke signals on a windy day.
I have breakfast on the counter. Cereal. Chocolate milk. In a purple bowl. I will see you today but I am not allowed to look at you. Not the way I am meant. Chocolate milk is one of my favorite things in the world.
I ride my bike to the office, where I pretend to work for a couple of hours before going to the pool. I swim, and swim, and swim. Meditation. I am you. I am me. Surrounded by water I imagine conversations we will never have. I hate to roll every twenty five meters. A wall that keeps me from getting closer to you. I hate to swim indoors. I am loosing my tan. I sit on the concrete outside the pool after five thousand meters and enjoy my lunch. The same girl every day. She smiles at me. I smile back. Tomorrow I will ask her her name. That I said yesterday. That I will say tomorrow. I am not ready.
I take a nap in the office. I dream. I snore sometimes. Afternoons are long. I keep waiting for a signal. An email, a phone call, you. But most of the time nothing happens. And if it does, I do not care the same as if I was alone, sitting on the swing in my porch, under the Christmas lights. And the moon. And the stars. In my island.
A run, a bike ride, a soccer game. Anything that keeps me away from the inertia. And makes me tired. I like to have dinner when I am exhausted. Sometimes I do not like being alone. Sometimes there is nothing else I want. A second cold shower.
The flying pink elephants are back. The swing creeks. Melancholy. The reflection of the lights in a glass of wine. The smoke. And then you again. It is difficult to fight my drive. My drive towards you. But we both want the same. Everything else fades again. It is just you and me. Subjectivity. Living a sedative lie that will no longer exist tomorrow. I do not care. I do know the rules of the game. And, no matter what, I will keep playing. And I will win. And we will find a shade of gray that is neither black nor white.
I sleepwalk to bed. I am no longer aware of what it is and what it is not. Tomorrow morning you will be gone again. Only to be back, though. Meanwhile, my heart beats in slow motion...
I needed some cash for my monthly deal. I love those pink elephants flying around my tiny colorful apartment. It was late but I got in my bike and rode to University Avenue. I do not usually step out of my bike when I am in front of an ATM. Debit card. Secret number. Withdrawal. Fifty dollars.
He looked sketchy.
"Don't worry. I just want to ask you something."
"I just want to ask you something."
"Yes? What's that?"
"I have this new backpack. Would you be interested in buying it? I need the money for food. I haven't had a proper meal in a while."
"That's a nice backpack you have there, but I have already more than I need."
"What about some cash? Don't make me pull out what's inside the backpack."
"I don't think you wanna do that..."
"No? Why? Don't tell me what to do or not to do."
"There's a police car coming down the road," I had nothing better to say.
A police car passed by. Serendipity. Got the money. Got the card. The police car was gone. The knife was out.
"You have cash now!"
"Yes I do, I have cash and legs."
I started pedaling.
"Enjoy your dinner!"
The pink elephants flying around my tiny apartment could not care less about what happened. I could not help it but laugh. In any case, they help me when it is time to sleep...
He always liked when he could not tell if she had her shining tiny eyes open or not.
His lips whispered something only an inch away from her lips.
"Look me in the eyes," silence. "Actually... do not... it is impossible to look me in the eyes... you will always be choosing one... just one..."
They stayed on the edge of a delicious uncertain abyss for an everlasting instant.
They enjoyed a white silence, before...
They dived into a sea of sweet doubts, before...
They, for the first time, felt one, before...
They kissed each other, clumsily.
They joined their hands, smoothly.
They trusted each other, blindly.
They closed their eyes before opening them again.
They let themselves fall into the pleasant unknown...
And then, then finally, the light...
- I need you to give me some space, to step out of the picture.
He nodded. He stared at her. Silent smile. "What do I do when your words ask me something but your eyes ask me the opposite?"
In any case, it might only be in his mind... Sandcastles and hope...