"I know you don't believe me. I know you think I'm joking."
"Do I?"
"You'll probably be married by then, but when I finish, before shaving, cutting my hair, or even getting a shower, I will ride to your door and ask you to marry me."
Silence.
"I know it'll be too late, but some things just have to be done."
"You're silly."
"I know."
"Here, happy birthday," she gave him a handmade book.
"My life before you," he whispered the title.
She had been working on the book for the past five years. Among its pages, polaroid pictures of random useless things, pictures of a younger version of herself surrounded by younger versions of family and friends, love letters never sent, pink, green, red, blue, and black journal entries, drawings, hearts, unicorns, and stars, and the photo booth picture they took of themselves on their third date in the last page.
She could see his heart smiling for the first time in a long time. They dived into a deep embrace. Tears and smiles.
In bed she felt naked, empty, relieved. She stared at him all night while listening to her loud and incisive heartbeat.
He had not notice her shoes were not on his way to the bed as they always were.
The ambulance driver drove as fast as he could through the still busy streets, even though it was already late. When they finally arrived to the packed emergency room he was covered in love and still bleeding despite of the effort of the paramedics. He was bleeding love all over. The doctors could not help him. He urgently needed a transfusion but his love type was unique. They could just helped him die. It was painless.
no aguanto tus manos,
tus pies,
no aguanto tus ojos,
tus labios,
no aguanto tu sonrisa,
no aguanto tu presencia,
no aguanto que te escondas,
que ahora estés,
que ahora no,
no aguanto tus runrunes,
tus silencios,
no aguanto tus abrazos,
tus besos,
no aguanto tus promesas,
no aguanto tus parasiempres,
tus nuncas,
tus quizases,
no aguanto que me hagas esperar,
no aguanto que me mires,
no aguanto que me digas que me quieres,
no aguanto que me digas que no,
no te aguanto,
te disfruto...
y no me aguanto sin ti.
you space out
you get in the water
you wait for the deafening siren
you wonder
what will i be thinking about for over six hours?
you start swimming
you swim under the scorching sun
you keep swimming
your shoulder hurts
your head hurts
your eyes hurt
you keep swimming
you finish
you try to remember
what was i thinking about over six hours?
it is easy to lie to myself, to live a different life in my mind. it is easier when i am surrounded by blues, unattached from my so called life. there you are, waiting for me at the finish line, your eyes smile, so do you. you are anxious, you are worried, you are excited, so am i. but when i step out of the water, my smile is the only one i can see, and i am happy, and so you are. the sky is bluer today, and the clouds smile back at us. even when we are this apart.
sometimes
it is easy
sometimes
it is not
but sometimes bleeds
and becomes never
and it is out of never
that always blooms
I cut open a cuddly teddy bear with a sharp scalpel and substitute the light stuffing by tiny lead balls you can get at any ironmonger's. I sew it back with care, a needle, a thimble, and thread. All I need to do now is get ready for bed and lay down upwards in a bed with the once light, now heavy cuddly teddy bear on top of my chest. It is not your weight I feel anymore, but it works as soon as I switch off the lights and close my eyes. Sweet dreams...
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